The Moment
Written on 10/21/21
Esalen, Big Sur, CA
They knew this moment would be the last, so as the group of seekers stood at the edge of the pool they held hands and jumped freely into the warm water of the night. Some jumped into their future, some jumped away from what no longer served them, but all jumped. For the week had brought everyone something; maybe clarity, maybe an answer to the question, or maybe a sense of peace that they had longed for. A jump into the unknown, but now with less fear and more compassion. They would leave tomorrow, but they would all leave with something.
The water rippled softly against the gentle movement of bodies in water. Fog hung in the air, present, but not ominous. The light of the pool danced across the night creating an ambiance no one in their right mind would leave. Music played, and from time to time would interrupt a conversation with a good beat or a favorite verse. Nothing would derail the conversations though, after all, no one had intensions of forcing the direction of the evening. Talk of hummingbird tattoos, life struggles, fears, hopes, desires. There were no boundaries on the conversation, only a firm understanding that all would listen without giving advice or judgment.
“Marco!”. “Polo!”. The words rang out with childlike laughter. Splashes, smiles, and naked bodies gliding through the water. Maybe if we just keep playing the night will never end.
She felt her body move slightly with the undulation of the water, and she accepted it, lilting back and forth, feeling her presence in space. Her presence had grown that week. The nourishment from the love she received, the openness she felt, and the way she had been held by perfect strangers; it awakened her light and she was determined not to let it go back into the dark. “Hiding is done, it’s time to grow” she thought as she ducked once more under the water. The chill of the night made her head and hair feel cold, but when met with the warmth and pressure of the water, she felt the crown of her skull melt again like butter on a hot day. Not liquid, just soft; whole. The voices she had heard that evening made her feel whole again. Their stories, their raw openness, their willingness to hear her and honor her words with compassion and understanding. Even if they did not fully understand. They listened, baited on words and hooked with curiosity, people wondered who she was and wanted to know more. This feeling had become foreign to her up until her week at Esalen. Resigned to the monotony of life and parenthood; stuck on the idea that her life was as it was and would forever be that way. But here, held in the heat of the water, blanketed by night sky and stars, wrapped in the nourishment of this human compassion, she realized that change was possible. She understood that she did have a choice, and she could decide to do things differently. She could choose herself and in doing so could benefit the ones at home whom she loved dearly.
The looming of tomorrow reminded her she should go back to her room. Tomorrow was actually today she realized. But how could she? How could she leave the beautiful souls in the warmth? She wanted to hug them. She wanted to gather them all up in a ball and lay connected forever; naked bodies connected through tangled limbs, naked souls connected through love and acceptance. The connection of mind, body, and soul with others was new and it was beautiful and she wanted more.
How was she going to go home? She thought back to picking up toys, rushing schedules and never ending duties. Back to quiet conversation with a person who doesn’t like to talk. Back to a lifetime love and partner that holds it in- a pirate who hordes thoughts like treasure, not willing to share with anyone.
Maybe she could break the habit, maybe her light could shine the way for them as well. Light the way to the path of truth, openness and connection. She would try. She was determined.
As she heaved her body from the water the cold night met her with a hug. Wrapped her in foggy mist and whispered, “It will all work out. You are alive and you are you. Keep your light bright and connection will find you.”
In that moment she knew that she would be OK, and she walked back into her life, ready to meet what lay ahead.
