Feelings Living in Reality
I have learned over recent years that my feelings hold a special place in my reality, and that it is both important and necessary that I acknowledge and feel those feelings. Feel them all, they are all good- even the big powerful ones that no one likes to talk about. Roll around with them, bathe in them, take them out to dinner. But then, at dinner, have a conversation with them. See where they came from and why they are staying in the present. Are they going to pay for the meal, or are you? What do the feelings have to offer, and are they worth holding onto? Or might it be better to let them go.
In my youth, I believed that feelings, especially ones like anger, jealousy, anxiety, and fear, were not worth having. It was better to ignore them and push through as they would not help me in my journey to becoming a civilized human. Big feelings were shamed away and I was taught that feelings, like the above mentioned, were harmful. I had no idea though that by ignoring them and trying to forget about them they did not go away, they instead lingered and festered in my mind and heart making life harder and more confusing.
Lots of introspective work has helped me realize two big components to all the feels- first, I am allowed my feelings, and in fact, life is better if I feel them. But then, the second component, I have to decide what I do with the feelings once I have noticed, talked about, and really sat them. I have learned that it is important to let them go; a big concept in my opinion. If we do not let the feelings go, they begin to weave stories, which our brains tend to latch onto and run with. I have seen in myself and others- the stories, woven with the fabric of feelings, seem so real they must have actually happened. So real in fact that our brains begin to see them as reality when in actuality, they are not real at all, they are still just, a feeling.
I recently had the luxury to swim laps at my local swim center in Santa Cruz on a hot Wednesday morning at 8:30 AM. The client I was supposed to meet canceled at the last minute and I jumped on the chance to exercise in the daylight. (I’m normally a 5AM runner). Due to lifeguard staffing shortages, there were only a handful of lanes open. It’s hard to imagine, but there are regulations about how big a space one lifeguard is able to watch. As I split a lane with an elderly breaststroker I watched as more and more people entered the pool. It was interesting to watch as swimmers who were already splitting a lane tried to avoid eye contact and outright refused to share their lane with another person. Sharing with 3 or more people would force them to circle swim, which any swimmer would agree, sucks if there are people of different speeds in the lane. Two ladies in fact were so rude to a man that he got out and found a different lane. Once he left, they congratulated each other on getting him to leave and assured one another that they would complain to management about having to share. Then, the worst part, they high-fived while one lady hollered, “girl power!”
No. Nope. That is not what girl power is all about. We should not feel empowered to be rude, trite, and cold to people so we get what we want. Or even worse, so we get what we think we are entitled to.
The actions of the women next to me emboldened me to invite the next person waiting to swim into the lane I was in. My stoic lane mate was not impressed but didn’t say anything and we began to circle swim. Another woman in the next lane over stopped me to compliment me on my kindness. But taking the opportunity of my attention, she proceeded to complain about how there were so few lanes and how could this be happening to, and I quote, “the hard-working community of Santa Cruz that has lived here and paid taxes for so long.” Oh geez, here we go. It took all my strength to not point out that swimming on a Wednesday at 9 am didn’t really seem like hard work.
This woman was having her feelings, and sounded so similar to the narrative that is spread throughout our country- “I work hard therefore I am entitled to ________.” It is an interesting narrative that seems to be based on feelings- desires, wants, and what we see as fair. Our feelings about what is fair and just to us begin to weave their way into our narrative and start to tell a story. A story of what we deserve. That story begins to creep its way into our reality and we hold onto it tight as our truth. That truth then makes its way into our daily life and all of a sudden, we are grown-ass people who can’t share a community swimming pool with other adults because, well, we deserve what we want because we work hard for it! A subjective story made up by our brains based on our feelings about how hard we work and what we want and deserve.
As parents we are constantly teaching and expecting our children to work well with others, to share, to be respectful; yet there are so many people, adult people, that refuse to share or show basic human compassion in the name of their “story”.
As I continued to swim thinking about the woman who didn’t want to share because her tax dollars entitled her to the workout she wanted, I thought about what my therapist would say- The big feelings are those of the woman who had them, and they are real for her. She is allowed her feelings and then she needs to decide what to do with them. I was also called to the idea that feelings are just that- things we feel, they are not necessarily based in the reality around us. We are allowed to feel those things, but it doesn’t mean that we get to act out at other people.
So how do we live life with these big feelings and not take them out on other people? I think it is two things. Perception and attitude. I recently went to a workshop about self-compassion and mindfulness. A practice I came home with involves thinking of one thing or person I am grateful for in my day before I go to bed, and when I wake up the first thing I say to myself is, “good morning, I love you Lauren.” The gratitude part was easy but telling myself that I love myself was weird. I have never thought about loving my own being. I just am. I love other people and things around me, but to actively love myself seemed so strange. But, I was determined to try, and, as I have continued, my perception of myself has shifted dramatically. As I learn to love myself- my physical body for what it is, my heart for all that it feels, and my mind for all that it thinks, I am in awe of myself. I am truly awesome and I am so much calmer and more at peace in my daily life because of this practice. I’ve worked to change my perception of the world around me as well. I am able to consider others as people who are doing their best instead of entities that are out to get me. The person who cuts me off in traffic is not trying to beat me to a destination or get in my way, they are late to pick up their kid from school and they have farther to travel than I do. Making that shift in perception has softened me so greatly that I am able to extend love and compassion to myself and to others more easily. I feel more fulfilled in my day, and irritants like having to circle swim with a bunch of elderly people is no longer a frustration, but rather a way to grow myself. I see the challenge as a part of life rather than something to get me down. Being able to change my perception of the daily happenings in my life has been impactful, to say the least.
Most impactful is the way that my attitude shifts. I find it easier to smile, easier to see the good, and easier to feel moments of joy. When my perceptions shift to looking at things in a positive way, my attitude toward life softens. Other big feelings soften as well. My anxiety feels more manageable, my anger does not come to call. I am able to notice little moments in my day and hold onto them- A smile from a stranger, neighbors waving to me as we pass, the hummingbirds zooming around my yard. Those little moments in turn keep my feelings of joy and contentedness present in my mind and heart, and in turn, I am able to see the good in even the most frustrating situations. I can be grumpy at the elderly swimmers who are waylaying my workout or I can take it as an opportunity to remember that I had the opportunity to exercise (privilege), I actually took it (excitement that I took the opportunity instead of finding other work), and that I am not a professional athlete and my workout will not be ruined because I had to wait for 30 seconds to get around the breaststroker (humility). I softened to a situation and find compassion and understanding for those around me. Maybe in turn someone will see me and do the same for another.
So, I wonder, is there a way that we can do it all? Feel our feelings, acknowledge them and still live our lives with kindness toward others? Can we accept that our reality and our feelings are different? I think we can if we are willing to look at ourselves with compassion, and then hopefully spread kindness to others. If our perception of our reality is able to shift in a loving kind way, I believe we can have our feelings and still treat people with dignity and compassion. So, let’s feel our feelings! Let’s acknowledge them as real and true to our hearts and minds! And then, let’s let them go. Let’s remember that we are all just human beings doing the best we can, and let’s work to find compassion for both ourselves and those around us.
