The Colors of Me
For forever, as a kid, blue and yellow were my favorite colors. Everything was blue and gold or yellow or some shade of the two. My high school and college colors were blue and yellow and I would paint my face every week in blue and gold for football games and spirit days. My shoes were blue or yellow or both and people knew to wrap my birthday present in only blue and yellow if they wanted to show we were true friends.
The day I graduated college my favorite color changed. It was weird clockwork. I woke up in love with green. It was the first time in life I didn’t know what I was doing and it was equal parts thrilling and terrifying. For fifteen years after that everything was green; and the last seven to ten years of that also incorporated orange. Every item of clothing revolved around my two colors. Accessories were always shades and hues of green and orange. Other colors trickled in but those were the dominant ones. I was magnetized to them. When I got married our wedding colors were a soft green and creamsicle like orange. The cake, flowers, napkins, bridesmaid dresses, everything was in the colors that represented me- excited, in love, growing up, ready for the journey of adulthood. I loved it.
It wasn’t until ten years into my marriage when my spouse Scottie came out as trans and revealed their struggles with alcohol, that my life spiraled, and my color turned black. My nails were black, my shoes, and all my shirts. Black earrings felt best. If I knew how to put on eyeliner I definitely would have put it on heavy and black. My color was black, and in black I started to learn about myself as I navigated the hardest part of my life thus far. It felt good to be wearing this color. I didn’t feel happy and I didn’t want anything about me to look happy. Black was a badge of honor. Black brought me comfort. It showed the world I was not in the mood for surface level cheer. Black was the first time I allowed myself to feel all my negative feelings, and through lots of self-work, I learned it was OK to feel them. I did so much growing in my black days. For almost 5 years I felt empowered by black; until the moment I realized; dove into; and for the first time in life, accepted my queerness.
It was an incredible opening of self, and with more work, I’ve learned to accept and LOVE myself! Self-love has changed my favorite color yet again; surprising not surprising, I am back to all shades of yellow and gold. Yellow for me is light, and my heart’s light is the strongest it’s ever been. I have love for myself, more love to share, and a new level of acceptance for others with a desire to learn, not judge. Yellow reminds me that I’m enough, I’m special and I can be happy with myself and the life I have. Yellow is authentic. It’s bright and mute, it can be sparkly and drab and both look good and fit me. Literally, my hair, my car, and my clothes are all yellow. People comment that I blend into my car because I seem to always wear yellow while driving.
I have no doubt that my colors will change again as life keeps rolling; color seems to correlate with my state of being. I do find it interesting though that yellow has come back into my life. When life was fun and simple in high school, I loved yellow. This was also the time I can remember having an inkling of queerness. I don’t think it was fully brought to my consciousness yet, but as I dipped my toe in the waters by cutting my hair short and wearing more masculine clothes it didn’t feel safe- there were rumors and a few instances where people put their fear/hate out at me. With the self-work I’ve done I believe it was those instances that pushed me to hide away my bisexuality.
I love that yellow is back in my life. I love my new awareness of self. I love that I feel love and joy and pride! Today, I’m wrapped in yellow, and doing brave things, and working to be my most authentic self!
