Just Arriving
August 2022
First sight. Breathtaking views, sprawling grass,
An explosion of color rocking my mind and my heart.
Giddy with delight. Gown-ups at summer camp.
A connection in the bath.
Dip of a toe, plunge of a soul.
I am just arriving.
A smile, a glance, a passing of bodies and minds.
Who are you? Who will we become? Will I grow?
Will you?
First night experiences- you’re telling me my brain is ridged?
47% of the time I’m not paying attention?
After 25 I turn to stone? Or was it my mind? Where do my neural pathways lead again?
So, what you’re saying is
I’m screwed.
My neural pathways grown taught with age and the challenges life brings.
I tell my 25-year-old self to shut up and listen, this shit is important.
I am just arriving.
Will you help me stretch out?
Loosen our minds like we do our muscles.
You hold one side and all hold the other
Pull!
Too hard and I’ll snap.
Oh little girl, if only you paid attention when your pathways could bend and adjust.
Too busy creating perfection.
Not enough time to live actual life
Or see it.
See yourself
Standing in front of a mirror
Longing for different.
Molding the pathways to judge, dislike, envy, worry
Then snap! 26. Pathway set.
I am just arriving.
Last night I saw a golden pathway cast out by the moon
Dancing on the ocean water, it called to me.
This pathway
To the unknown undulated, flexed and bent with the soft swell of the water.
I can dance… I can undulate…
Ahhhh, maybe my neural pathways and I will sit this one out.
Worried what I will think
Afraid of what you’ll say
Ridged is safe here on a bench away from… undulating.
Though, the water calls. The moon beckons. The glowing gold pathway entices and invites
Me to the unknown.
To joy
To plasticity.
I am just arriving.
We could go together
Warm up slowly in sulfuric waters
Naked together, change is possible.
Pathways soften with closed eyes and chimes that dance in our ears.
Our minds awaken to curiosity and
What is
Possible.
Neural pathways consider gentle golden ripples
Maybe my mind can move with the light
Maybe my mind can bend again.
I am just arriving.
With softened pathways will you try tofu with me?
Fried, baked, covered in sauce, raw, silken, firm.
Notice it in my mouth
Mindfully as a beginner.
How can bean curd be so popular they can make it in so many ways?
Thank God for bread.
Maybe tofu with help with the elastomers or neural plasticity or the neurons or telermerase…
Which one had the supplements?
Crap, this must have been a 47% of the time moment.
I feel my pathways shifting, stretching
I feel the love.
I feel joy.
I learn
About compassion and listening and loving
Myself.
How on earth does one do that?
I am just arriving.
A shift
In thinking and in heart
A connection
Deep. Raw. Heartfelt. Fulfilling.
Nourishing.
Belly laughter that turns heads and makes my cheeks hurt.
Love.
Conversation with new sisters who were strangers just hours ago.
Love.
Physical touch through what I now know is ecstatic dance.
Pure. Joy.
Passing of bodies in dark waters dotted with the light of stars.
Skin touches
Skin touches
Souls touch
Love.
Intimacy.
From the heavens God hollers
Here, we notice it in the call of a hawk, her scream echoes off the cliff wall.
Life changing connection of two pastors, one in need, one able to give.
A gentle soul, safe for me to open up about my self and who I am when I am not safe.
Call it what you need to. Fate, serendipity, chance, the power of Esalen.
We are arriving.
Will you join me in these delights?
These joy boosters, these pathway softeners.
I will listen for your laughter and wait for your love.
For a chance to change with you is the reason I am here.
We have arrived.